Here is a second page of jokes that I get in some ezines. If you have any jokes you want me to post here, you may submit your jokes to me at jadey213@yahoo.com. Here are the jokes!! (WARNING- SOME OF THESE MAY BE RELIGIOUSLY OFFENSIVE OR OFFENSIVE IN SOME OTHER WAY. IF THEY ARE TO YOU, IT ISN'T MY FAULT. I HAVE GIVEN YOU MY WARNING. CONTINUE WITH YOUR OWN DISCRETION.)



Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret,and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, 'I know the whole truth.'
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, 'I know the whole truth.' His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, 'Just don't tell your father.'
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, 'I know the whole truth.' The father promptly hands him $40 and says, 'Please don't say a word to your mother.'
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, 'I know the whole truth.' The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, 'Then come give your daddy a great big hug!'

What would happen if we priced our "COWS" using the same criteria the auto industry uses to price a "CAR"?
LIST PRICING A COW

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... "FIRE".
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted he judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson.
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic... "Next semester in her biology class."

The most successful lawyer in town had never made a contribution to the Red Cross. The chairman of the Red Cross, Mr. Wilson, called on the lawyer, hoping to convince him to make a donation.
"You made over $600,000 last year but you haven't given anything back to the community. How do you reconcile that?"
The lawyer sighed, leaned forward and said, "If you only knew...
My mother is terminally ill; her medical bills far exceed her income.
My brother is a disabled veteran, blind and in a wheelchair.
My sister is raising three children alone since her husband died in an auto accident."
Mr. Wilson offered his sympathy, admitting he had no idea there were so many demands on the lawyer's profits.
The lawyer nodded and said, "Exactly... Why should I give to the Red Cross when I don't even give to my own family!"

The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they were developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.
The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer's chair and imbedded itself in the back wall of the engine's cab.
The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation. USE A THAWED CHICKEN...!!!

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.'
'But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake?'

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.
On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. . . The Army is still looking for him.

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde.
The brunette say's in a disgusted voice, 'Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper.'
After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.
The redhead says, 'what's so funny?'
The blonde says, 'Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb but look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!'

An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!"

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs.
She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest.
Here's what the kids came up with:
1) Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
2) Strike while the... bug is close.
3) It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
4) Never underestimate the power of... termites.
5) You can lead a horse to water but... how?
6) Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
7) No news is... impossible.
8) A miss is as good as a... Mr.
9) You can't teach an old dog... math.
10) If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
11) Love all, trust... me.
12) The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
13) An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
14) Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
15) Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
16) A penny saved is... not much.
17) Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
18) None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
19) Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
20) If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
21) You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
22) When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
23) There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.
24) Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.

Two guys are playing golf when a funeral precession drives by.
One guy lays down his club gets on one knee and observes a moment of silence. After the precession has gone he gets up and picks up his club to play.
The other guy says, 'that was the nicest thing I have ever seen!'
The first guy says, 'well, we were married for 30 years.'

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel,
Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.'
And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Englishman again.

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden,a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them.
One of the guys took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and started to put them on. The other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, 'Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?'
His friend replied, 'I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you!'

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this', said the man. 'I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of thecow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake.'
'What did you do?', asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'
I don't remember much after that.

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news, he said, 'Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Mary replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.'

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she's wearing earphones connected to her walkman.
She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would look really stupid if he didn't cut under her earphones so he picked them up and lifted them slightly.
Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a recorded voice was saying "Breathe In, Breathe Out. Breathe In, Breathe Out."

There was this 8 year old kid who lived with his 82 year old grandma. He had been living with her for some time, and he thought, that with all the work she does, he could at least make her a cup of coffee in the morning.
So he woke up early one day, and made a cup of coffee and brought it to his grandma. She took one drink of it and died instantly. He called 911, and the paramedics rushed over there.
While examining the grandma, one of the paramedics pulls out a little plastic green soldier from her throat. After the paramedic learns that the kid made her coffee and put that soldier in there, of course, the first question is "why?". The kid answered, "Grandma always said, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'!"

Contributed by Trooper576@aol.com: A man and a puppet were getting ready to go to California to tell his world-famous blonde jokes. The man drives away and gets to the joke center where he will be telling his bunch of blonde jokes.
The man and the puppet he had were telling the Blonde jokes, when all of a sudden a blonde stands up and says
"HOW DARE YOU! You are giving blondes a bad name!! I just wish that some men were different and don't let him make fun of blondes!!If you ever tell those jokes again you'll be guilty for LIFE!!"
The man is embarrassed and starts his apology the blonde stands up again and says "Mister, YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!! I was talking to the little JERK on your LAP!!!!!!

On Clinton's last trip to Hawaii, he went swimming at Waikiki Beach. He got caught in a riptide and was been pulled out to sea. Three young surfers swam out to him and brought him to shore. He wanted to reward them, and asked what they would like. The first said he wanted to be a fighter pilot, and Clinton said he would get him an appointment to the A. F. Academy. The second one said he wanted to command a submarine. "Fine, I'll get you into the Naval Academy." The third said he wanted to be buried at Arlington. Clinton looked puzzled and asked why such a young person was concerned about where he would be buried. "Because", said the surfer, "my father is a Vietnam Veteran, and when I go home and tell him I saved your life, he's going to kill me."

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky.
"You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts.
"I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey area!"

Contributed by palin@shaw.ca:
Did you know? If you say you will do something tomorrow you never do it because when tomorrow comes it is always today...


Let's go HOME!