Here is a collection of jokes that I get in some e-zines. If you have any jokes you want me to post here, you may submit your jokes to me at jadey213@yahoo.com. Here are the jokes!! (WARNING- SOME OF THESE MAY BE RELIGIOUSLY OFFENSIVE OR OFFENSIVE IN SOME OTHER WAY. IF THEY ARE TO YOU, IT ISN'T MY FAULT. I HAVE GIVEN YOU MY WARNING. CONTINUE WITH YOUR OWN DISCRETION.)

A woman explains to the doctor, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts."
The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blond, aren't you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

This is a true story. My sister and I spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans. No matter where we went, we were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After a while it started to irritate us.
One day, in Paris, my sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was looking through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her.
My sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her.
Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop.
As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read "Dry Cleaners."

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom, She doesn't like the skin either."

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead.
The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one. youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs,"she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Standing at the Pearly Gates
Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men".
He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates.
The right-hand gate had a sign that read "Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses"; the other gate read "Men Who Were Boss And Dominated Their Spouses". The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate.
Albert was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked, "Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?"
The smallish fellow replied, "I haven't a clue. My wife told me to stand here."

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children - "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa."

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. . .
"He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint,high pitched, "Come In".
He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.
He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In".
As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him.
As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help.
Again, all he heard was the high pitched "Come In".
He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage.
He said to the parrot, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?!"
The parrot laughed and said "Sic him!"

Letter to the Railroad
Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, A Commuter
Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, The Railroad
Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.
Yours truly, A Commuter

These two Italian guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake.
They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other,
"We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says,
"We'll just look for this X tomorrow."
The other guy says, "You idiot! - How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life.
The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.
Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother's strudel."
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request.
After a long time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries?
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, she says you can't have any - it's for the funeral!"

A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn, and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk. While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place.
"Grandma, what happened to the kitten?"
"It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead."
"Where does a kitten go when it dies?"
"God takes the kitten to heaven."
The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said, "But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?"

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher.
A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box. The teacher said, "I'll bet these are flowers!"
The girl replied, "How did you know?"
"Just a lucky guess" she said.
Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box.
She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, "Just a lucky guess."
Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine.
The boy said, "No"
She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne.
The boy again said no.
Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.
He said happily, "A puppy!"

The Deaf Schnauzer
My neighbor found out her Schnauzer could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The druggist says "Then, you'll wanta stay off your bicycle for a week."

Polands's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb pressed into the meat.
"Are you crazy or just stupid" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"
"What," answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

A tourist was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out. The parched wanderer asked,
'Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?'
The man replied, 'I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes.'
The desperate man shouted, 'I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!'
'OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want.'
The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table said, 'I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?'
'I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie.'

Three Muslims died and went to Heaven. When they approached the gate, St. Peter said "Sorry, only Christians are allowed in Heaven."
The Muslims said "But we are good Christians!"
St. Peter replied "Okay, if you're good Christians then tell me what is Easter?"
The first Muslim went up to St. Peter and said "I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man dressed up in a white bunny suit and hopped around delivering eggs to children!"
St. Peter shook his head, and said "Next!"
The second Muslim guy then came up and said "I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man dressed up in a red and white suit and flied around delivering presents to good children!"
St. Peter sighed, and said "Next!"
So the last Muslim guy comes up to old St. Peter and says "Oh, I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man died on the cross for the people, and they buried him in a cave. After three days the Jesus man got up, went out of the cave, saw his shadow, and there was 6 more weeks of winter!"


Collection of Smaller Jokes:

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them withroller blades, they can ignite
A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
Baseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Play-Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
Your fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, "Daddy, diapers don't flush!"
No time is a good time to hear, "Daddy, your tires are 'hisssssing.'
You never want to hear, "Watch me fly!" coming from the roof
Nor do you want to hear, "Your new cell phone doesn't work underwater."
Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!
Never light fireworks inside. Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.
Daddy's shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula.
Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy's shoes is not good.
Bugs are not a dietary supplement.
Walnuts make the blender act funny.
Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.
Collecting things is good. Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.
Eating string is a bad hobby. Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.
Finger painting is good. Finger painting walls is dangerous. If you hear the words, "Can ya eat a lizard's tail?" It's too late!
If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my hands." You don't want to know.
If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my mouth." You REALLY don't want to know!
'Fan' and 'flour' should never be heard in the same sentence.
The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.
Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking.
Any sentence which contains the word 'Oooops' is bad. Any sentence beginning with, "How much do you love me?" means 'prepare for bad news'
Throwing daddy's wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.
Opening all 24 of daddy's cans of beer is a bad idea.
Hiding parts of daddy's computer can make your butt hurt.
Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy's mood.
Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank.
"Why do fish float?" means trouble.
Any sentence beginning with, "When [your pet's name] dies..." is never a good sign.
Setting the hamsters free changes the cat's mood. Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape. Cats get even.

Did you know?
When you write copy, you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.
Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write.
His editor has the job of making the right rite copyright before the copyright can be right.
Should Tom Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.
When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."
The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago."
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine.
"No problem...just like Chicago in June," the man says.
So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing.
The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. "No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says.
So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.
He says, "no problem. Just like Chicago in August."
Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.
When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on. To which the Chicago man replies.....
"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"
"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"


Let's go HOME!